You can only watch so much daytime TV before your sanity starts to slip...

I need a job. For reals.

I apply for at least 5 jobs every day, both on actual job sites, and the asshole of the internet known as Craigslist.  I think two out of three jobs I send my resume to on Craigslist respond to me, and every time I see a subject line in my inbox that's in reply to a job, my heart skips a beat. Trembling, I guide my cursor to the email, double click, and hold my breath as the page loads.  And then the rage and disappointment set in when every single fucking one reads something like this:

Dear Applicant:
Thank you for your interest, and after reviewing your resume, we've decided that you're the greatest candidate we've ever seen and we want to pay you twice what the average salary for this job is!! Just as soon as you visit our website and give us all of your personal information, social security number, bank account number, and first born child.  Also, we'll probably load your computer up with trojans and viruses and shit.  Basically we just tricked your ass. Good fucking luck with the job hunt.


Regards,
Not a Real Human Being

 At which point I begin yelling obscenities at my email and my husband becomes concerned for my health and safety.

Does anyone want to pay me to look at pictures of cats and shop on the internet all day? I'll throw in a good solid 3 hours a day doing craft projects at no extra charge!!!  No takers?  How about if I sweeten the pot with watching Kathie Lee and Hoda, and then Food Network? Anyone? Anyone? Please?


Damn. I may have to start actually applying for jobs in person soon, and that usually involves wearing not sweatpants. 

Are you sure you don't need an internet/television/shopping/sweatpants expert?