My stuff is here! And I already ruined something!

Friends, it's been too long....

First and foremost, my shit was finally delivered, thus concluding my moving from the desert nightmare, and that's been occupying quite a bit of my time. I stare at my boxes of stuff while I lay on my couch, watching tv, and thinking about how it really needs to be unpacked.

The movers were...interesting. It was just 2 dudes, one was just the driver, and I think he was Santa Claus. I mean, he was old, and fat, and had a white beard, and delivered shit, so, Santa. The other guy was only marginally younger, but in far better shape and did all the lifting. It was very funny, husband kept trying to help, and the movers kept yelling at him to stop because I guess they can get in trouble for that, so husband just paced nervously in the 3 feet of space not occupied by shit. And they were SO damn chatty and it was SO awkward because I knew that just a few weeks before, these dudes packed up all my porn and brought it to me. I would have been happy if they just dumped it all in the driveway and sped off, but no such luck. But, my stuff is here now.

Let's talk about the mixer disaster for a minute... I have a Kitchenaid Stand Mixer, and it's my prized possession. Mother in law gave it to me for my bridal shower, and I fucking love this thing.  I decided that I was going to make my friends gingerbread houses for Christmas, so I went about making my dough with my blessed mixer. But as I'm using it, the head part with the mixer blade attached to it is wobbling up and down while it's supposed to be locked, and causing the whole mixer to jump all over the counter.  So I manage to finish my dough and icing, and then I start to examine my mixer. It has a bunch of screws and stuff on it, so I tighten every screw I can find (this is an important detail), and the problem does not improve.  Husband comes home, and I show him the problem: the little latch you pull to lock the head isn't locking tight.  So husband, who is very mechanically minded takes the whole thing apart, which was not an easy feat, and involved much banging and cursing, and sees that the latch is in fact loose, and tightens it, and proceeds to attempt to put it back together. Only pieces that slid out very easily will not slide back into place with any amount of banging and swearing.  And husband starts to get real mad. Also, you may not be aware, but these motherfuckers are FULL of grease, so there's grease all over my dining room table. Husband says he needs a tool he doesn't have, so we leave it until the next day.  Husband goes to Lowes after work, and continues to work on it, and eventually gets it back together. We plug it in....and nothing. So husband takes the motor cover off, and finds that in all his banging, he has loosened a metal thingy (circut? idk.) that needs to be re-soldered. No big deal, he can borrow a soldering iron. And then, as if on cue, the piece he adjusted inside fucking breaks.  And I start to cry.  He starts to look more closely at the mixer and says "Did you tighten every screw?" and I said that I had, and he starts laughing like a mad scientist. APPARENTLY, one of the screws I tightened down was actually supposed to be sticking way out like I found it because it keeps the mixer head from wobbling up and down.... So that's the story of how I made my husband break my mixer while trying to fix it when it wasn't broken. And it's sitting non functionally in my kitchen until he can borrow a soldering iron, and get some kind of drill to get out a piece he replaced permanently.  I should probably just never touch it again.

Wreath Tutorial!!

I'm pretty crafty. And when I can't possibly apply for any more jobs or watch anymore daytime TV, I make stuff. And I'm pretty good at it, I think.  So I got bored and made this wreath:

I originally saw the idea on Pinterest (are you guys on Pinterest? It will consume your life with awesome), but it was a for a Halloween wreath. The format is endlessly adaptable though, just use whatever ribbons you like. 

You will need: a wreath form of any size, wide ribbon for wrapping the form, at least 120 inches of your choice of ribbon, hot glue, and your sewing machine if you have one.  You can use whatever ribbon you like, and however many different types you want.  I used 5 spools of 5/8 inch Christmas ribbon. Next time I make one of these, I'll definitely use more though, I barely had enough.

Step 1: Wrap the wreath form in the wide ribbon, securing both ends with hot glue.

Step 2: cut your decorating ribbon into 3 inch lengths.

Step 3:  Sew the cut ribbon lengths into little loops. If you don't have a sewing machine, or don't want to use it, you can hot glue them, but if you can sew them, I think it's much easier.

When you're done sewing you have a fun chain of loops.

 

 

 

Step 4: Cut all the little loops apart

Step 5: Start gluing all the little loops onto the wrapped wreath form. Apply the glue in between the ends below the seam so the loops stand up on the wreath.

I start by applying a few around the center of the ring and build out from there so the distribution is even over the whole wreath.

Oh, I should have mentioned to save a 15 inch or longer length of one of the ribbons to hang the wreath with.  Hopefully you read all the directions before starting the project. Did you ever take that test in school that says read the directions all the way before beginning, and the end of the directions says "Don't do anything" but if you don't read, you start an impossible test?  I digress.

Step 6: Tie your hanging loop onto the wreath. I added a loop of the wrapping ribbon to tie mine too, but you can just use a longer hanging piece and loop it through the wrapping or just through the middle of the wreath.

Step 7: Hang prominently and shame your neighbors because they don't have an awesome wreath like yours. Unless you're my neighbor (which I know you're not, because my neighbor is a permanently sour faced haaaaaaterrrrr who won't talk to me).

I absolutely love this wreath because you can use whatever ribbon you want and make it for any occasion! And you can just pick a fun color for those times of year where there isn't a themed holiday to make a wreath for.  It would also be a great gift, since it cost less than $20 to make.

So enjoy your wreath making, friends. And please post any helpful hints, or pictures of wreaths you make!!

Those Assholes Just Didn't Want Me To Have Christmas

Oh. Em. Gee. Y'all. My stuff will FINALLY be here tomorrow. When I say stuff, I literally mean all of my worldly possessions. Why have I been living at The Base By The Beach for a month like a hobo with no stuff (albeit a hobo with a super nice, if empty, house)?  Oh friends. This is a story of clusterfuckery the likes of which haven't been seen before.

Some back story: before we lived here, we lived at The Base In The Desert, which sucked balls before the moving disaster ever even happened.  So, TBITD is a training base, which means that, for the most part, the only people stationed there are students and their instructors.  Sometimes students can't start their school when they first get there for a number of different reasons, like a security clearance that won't go through, or they arrived there too far before or after their class starts, or they have a raging case of highly contagious super-crabs. So, while the crotch exterminators are busy with other things, they go on what's called "casual status" and have to do whatever jobs need filling. These jobs include working in all the offices one has to out process through. As anyone who has ever encountered a student older than about 13 can tell you, those fuckers don't give a rat's ass about anything that doesn't directly concern them.  You could be on fire 5 feet away, and as long as their iPod isn't in danger of melting, you may as well not exist.

SO. Husband's school was winding down, and we knew we were coming to the beach, but didn't have orders yet. Typically you get them 3-4 weeks before you leave.  The 4 week mark hit, and no orders. No worries yet, since we're still in the 3-4 week range.  3 week mark passes, and we grow concerned. At this point we may not be able to schedule them to move our shit, and that makes me very angry, because I'd rather burn it all than move it again.  H starts inquiring about the orders at school, and his instructors go to bat for him.  2 weeks comes and goes, and still nothing.  We begin pricing doing the move ourselves, and I faint dramatically onto a chaise lounge like a Tennessee Williams character.  We finally get to the last week of our stay in the desert and still have no goddamn orders. I'm ready to start stabbing people for answers.  Husband is not a fan of that tactic on legal and moral grounds.  But we manage to get our answers without the aid of violence, and let me tell you, they were not helpful. 

This is the story:  His paperwork to get his orders was sent out from his squadron exactly when it was supposed to be, and it was complete and ready to go.  At the first office it went to, someone lost part of the info packet. It was ignored until H's instructors asked what the hell the holdup was, then replaced, and promptly lost again.  After it was replaced for the second time, it was processed and forwarded to the office of the person who formally issues the orders. At this point, it's ready to go, someone just needs to effectively press the button.  So it makes it to its final destination, and sits....for 2 weeks. Apparently, the guy who did that particular job was on vacation. Which is fine, everyone needs a vacation, especially from the strenuous job of processing orders. There was another guy who did orders for a different squadron who was supposed to cover for him. He did not.  So once the guy on vacation comes back, he just throws the giant pile of orders in the air, and grabs them at random to process, never mind who has been waiting for weeks and who got there yesterday.  Fast forward to the day before we're supposed to leave, and several angry phone calls from his scary first-shirt, and he FINALLY gets them.  At this point we have put all our stuff in storage.  H tries to go to the office that arranges moving and explain his situation, and they said they'd be happy to help him....in 2 weeks. When he says he's leaving tomorrow, they laughed in his face (remember...causals).  So we leave and hope for the best.

We left the desert on October 14.  Thankfully, when we went to housing here, the guy in charge had dealt with the nightmarish joke that is TBITD, and was very understanding and helpful. And now our stuff will be here in less than 24 hours!! And I've been having Christmas withdrawal because my tree and stuff would have been up like a week and a half ago if I had any of it.  I did make a wreath to get me through, but mama needs her fix.  The wreath is way cute. Pictures and a tutorial are to follow.

To sum up: Fuck TBITD. It's been too long without my stand mixer.